Being successful in business and able to retire at 40, I realized I could keep giving my life to achieving and acquiring more on the surface, but that deeper meaning may never be found. There must be more, and if it wasn’t available on the surface, it must be available within me. So the search began. I learned meditation and received my Master’s degree at a meditation university in the Midwest. Then on to becoming part of a spiritual teacher’s community in San Francisco. Realizing she wasn’t my teacher, I began searching by sitting in satsang with everyone who came through the Bay area. I enjoyed it all but didn’t find a deep connection with any teacher. And then, I met John de Ruiter. Within a year, my husband and I moved to Canada to become part of John’s weekly meetings. I knew he was the living example of the “more” within me, of what was most deeply real. I naively believed all I needed to do was be in his presence as often as possible, and, in time, grace would deliver my awakening.
I noticed that some people were quickly deepening into the “more” with John. It was amazing to watch them open and soften and their experiences of the deep increase. I saw much change and transformation, far more than any spiritual group I’d been part of. And as for me, there was some softening, more openness, occasional experiences of something deeper within, but no quick transformation.
I see now, some twelve years later, that I wanted to hold onto my surface self, and have awakening, truth, serve me. Hmmmm. John warned about that. From there, from a place of self-interest, no go. The “more” of who I am is available only if there is a whole hearted willingness to know it and live it.
Strange waiting so long to fully step in while having much opportunity to be with John and hear his teachings weekly. Finally there is a deep readiness and commitment to live what I know, to take responsibility for my own inner knowing.
John’s main message is that we know more than what we live in this surface life. Yes, that I knew years ago when I began searching for “more” within. John explains how we can resonate with the “more,” “When you left your first self, the resonance of the reality of your first self remained with you. It remained clear in your heart because you didn’t harden sufficiently to cover it. In your heart you know what you’ve come from without your being able in your self to remedy the separation. It’s because of your openness of heart that the pain in your having left, stays. Within the pain remains the resonance, the resonance of what you were in your first self....”
The resonance John speaks about is very present in his meetings. For me, sitting in meetings, the room becomes full of a thick, deep energy. Easy to resonate with that energy, I often move into my heart. My mind becomes quiet and I taste a tiny bit of the “more” within.
So if I follow the resonance in my heart, and meet all of life with an open and soft heart, I can return to the “more” of who I am. It sounds so clear and simple until I think about being open and soft the next time someone criticizes me or wants to control my actions. What do I do then?
Something touches an old well-worn pattern and I am off, returning to my surface life. John explains that the surface life pulls us because it is dense form. The “more” is subtle and formless. When I begin feeling intense emotion and spinning, I find if I remember to open my arms wide, let everything in, feel it and let it move wherever it does, there is new possibility. If I’m willing to be open, tender and soft in my heart, and willing to feel everything, and let the feelings move wherever they move, there is an amazing new experience. First, it seems to take me much deeper within so I know the “more” with greater intimacy. Secondly, the more I open and let all the feelings in, there seems to come a clarity of seeing that allows me to be much more at choice with how I respond next in the situation and also in the future. It isn’t comfortable in the beginning, but the discomfort is short lived if I just stay present with my feelings. I don’t know how it works. It just does.
I love how John talks about it. “The movement of your heart isn’t to be determined by what you’re experiencing in your self. When the experience of your self determines the movement of your heart, then depending on what you’re experiencing, you will close and harden or you will open and soften....Take everything that you experience in your self lightly, regardless of the strength of the experience. So instead of relating to what you experience in your self, direct all of your relating to openness and softness of heart. You know how to let your heart open; you know what it means when you open your heart. You know what it’s like when your heart softens, and you know how to let your heart soften.”
So, how can it be said more clearly? John points to our knowing the “more” and how to return to what we truly are through opening and softening our hearts. Through openness and softness of heart receiving all of the myriad experiences of life, we begin the return to our true self. And in that return we create a new self, a self expressing our true nature.
Now the question comes, am I willing to let go of the control and the protection I’ve created around my heart to realize this first self? That’s a big part of why I am writing this piece, to declare and deepen my commitment to step in, to be openness and softness in everything. I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to share my commitment with you.
According to John de Ruiter, the “more” is the tiny-est little bit within that we know, the weakest weakness, the subtle, the formless, the profound. We can be the “more” by loving it and believing it. But how do I find it? Where is it? What is it?
My deepest knowing of the “more” was an experience I call, "The Goldenness." It is a subtle realm of pristine clarity, delicate fineness, tender weakness, awesome power, endless depth, and most of all purity. In recalling this experience, I see an iridescent goldenness that is a touchstone for the deepest I've awakened to.
What I do daily to love and believe the “more” is to follow John’s suggestion to plant my feet in it. I plant my feet in the golden light I see around John and others. And once my awareness is in the golden-ness, I give attention to radiating that same light. Just planting my feet in “The Goldnness” takes me deeper within, to what is more subtle. Often my mind is still and I quietly watch my surface life and interactions with others.
Also, the best news is you can listen to free podcasts on John’s website www.johnderuiter.com, or you can meet John by attending meetings in Edmonton. Meetings are held at the Oasis Centre, 10930 177th Street, Edmonton, Alberta. The cost of meetings is only $8, and they are usually 2-3 hours in length. If you haven’t seen John, I encourage you to attend a meeting, connect with your heart’s resonance and see what you discover about you.
No comments:
Post a Comment